i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
