every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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