If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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