i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
