I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
