turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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