Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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