this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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