Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
