i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
