My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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