Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
