I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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