Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
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