fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
