i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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