I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
