I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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