She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
