I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
