Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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