i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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