dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
