Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
