I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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