Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
