I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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