i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
