Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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