2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
