i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
