and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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