i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
