i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
