when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
