I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
