I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sober January is a disaster.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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