I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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