Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
