It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
