So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You may now shotgun with the bride
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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