she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
