Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There are leaves in my underwear?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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