ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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