70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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