It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
