Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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