I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
