Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
