Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
