Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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