smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
