U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
