My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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