I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
