Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
