hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
