Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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