How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
