In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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