I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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