Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
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My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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