Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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